Grumpy Man Rant – Christmas

‘Tis the season to be merry…. So the shops and streets of the UK are blaring out at the top of their over commercialised, trashy, neon lit voices. To which I answer … ‘you do know its still only October you money grabbing self obsessed gimps?’

You may ask what could I possibly have against Christmas? Oh dear sweet baby Jesus in a manger… where to start.  Let’s see:

Firstly Jesus was not born in December (assuming you believe the Bible .. and don’t even get me started on that work of fiction). The date for ‘Christmas’ coincides with a pagan festival of midwinter of ‘Yule’ (Hence Yuletide Greetings on some cards) and the Roman festival of Saturnalia (which seemed to involve drunken cross dressing and role playing mixed in with present giving and candles). 

Secondly the traditional British Christmas is about as old as a pair of my pants in historical terms.  The Victorians created what we now see as the ‘traditional Christmas’.  You can blame Queen Victorias’ German stud muffin, Prince Albert, for all the pine needles on the floor as he introduced Christmas trees to the UK.  Cats around the World still worship him to this day for that move. Thanks scheisskopf……

Thirdly, St Nicholas was a Turkish saint who gave bags of money secretly to poor people in his village.  He didn’t wear a red coat with fur trim and he didn’t say ‘ho ho fricking ho’.  Also I have been to his tomb in Turkey, so news flash ..Santa is dead.  His remains were supposedly removed by Crusaders and removed to the Vatican in the early 12th Century.

Fourthly, stay with me reader as I am just getting warmed up, the modern day Santa was created by none other than the Coca Cola corporation for a Christmas advertising campaign in the 1930s. So it could be said that Santa is powered by Coke… and thats how he travels the World in one night.

But all this bullshit, fake tradition, myth, mystery and mayhem pales into insignificance when compared to the commercial exploitation of a comedy made up holiday cum religious event. Billons are spent by the ‘Great Unwashed’ on stuff they cant afford and given to the ungrateful as a sign of love they feel can only be displayed by materialistic means…. Who said compassion and sincerity is dead? Even more hypocritical are the ‘do gooders’ that ‘do charity’ at Christmas.  What about the rest of the year you self important, self serving w@nkers?  The poor, unfortunate and needy are still around the other 364 days a year? Stop trying to assuage your guilt for the rest of the year for being selfish monkeys by doing one day of helping at a soup kitchen, just because its ‘Christmas’… you utter Cockwombles!

And can someone explain to me why its time to start Christmas shopping in mid October?  Seems like the Christmas ‘frenzy’ is being stoked by the retailers earlier and earlier each year. Why is this you will ask and the answer is simple …people are stupid and money is everything. We accept this bullshit with the guilt trip of ‘not being into Christmas’ if you do not go along with this over-commercialised circus.  It’s made out to be your fault if you disagree with all this rubbish. Retailers want to spread the cash flow over several months rather than just December. It’s cold hard financial facts and this ‘Christmas’ is just a vehicle to boost earnings, profit and ultimately share price. 


Actually Grumpy Man isn’t anti-Christmas, if you take it as a time for a family gathering and celebration. I am anti what it has become and evolved into.  Christmas is now materialistic circus where how much you love someone is determined by the amount spent upon a present, or how many presents you give. Kids are putting in their ‘demands’ (like all good terrorists) in the form of a list to a Santa (produced by an American corporation remember) so that the parents can ensure that the correct amount of love is passed on to their spawn.


Christmas isn’t Christmas any more……..

Grumpy Man 

Realist and Life Weary Soul of the UK

Purveyor of Dubious Wisdom

Optimistic Pessimist

A Reveller in Grumpiness


This Christmas message was brought you to by our sponsors Anusol, Preparation H and our celebrity sponsor Hans Gruber. 


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