Grumpy Man Rant 5 – Cats

So dear reader, you have heard me bemoan the muppetry that infests our roads and car parks as well as complain about enforced relaxation in luxurious accommodations, so you may wonder who and what will come under my grumpy countenance this time. 


Today I turn my attention to those creatures that dwell amongst us, those subversive creatures that are quietly abiding there time until they can complete their plan to subjugate us, those four legged furry inscrutable pseudo overlords that some call ‘cats’.  

Now you may be surprised to hear me say such things about such ‘cute’ creatures bu tall that indicates to me is that your conditioning by the feline master race is complete. If it wasn’t for the fact that do not possess opposing thumbs, they would have already completed their fiendish task.  Remember they came close a few thousand years ago when they almost completely turned the ancient Egyptians into a cult of cat worshippers. It was only the fall of Egyptian Empire that David the entire world. If you don’t believe me … check your ancient history!

It’s not a coincidence that evil super villains have cats as pets, take Blofield for example.  What you misunderstand is that the cat is the evil super genius and the human is merely a prop to execute his will. The hero in such plots usually have a dog or a horse as a sidekick, but never a cat and that is with good reason.

So you may wonder how and why I have come to such conclusions.  Well,  Grumpy Man has grown up around cats and presently lives with two such furry  insurgents.  Let’s discuss these two specifically then.  One, the obvious brains of this particular special ops team, is quiet most of the time and observes proceedings from elevated vantage points.  He is collecting data on human activity to probe for weak spots.  He is also a master of psychological warfare.  He is distant one minute then probing for attention to see how humans react.  He is deliberately awkward and demanding as a test of how tolerant and patient humans are.  This allows him to report back to his command on how far the plan for feline domination can be pushed or pursued at that moment in time.

The second is harder to work out.  Either he is just a simpleton sent to test the patience of his human targets or he is a genius playing a simpleton testing the patience and temper of his human subjects.  He is extremely affectionate, almost a live action teddy bear crossed with a puppy who is a constant companion to his assigned target. But he is also spawn of the devil from time to time with some of his rather damn unsanitary habits.  These are obviously also designed to see how far cats can test of push their assigned subjects before action or sanction is taken.

Together though they have a household utterly buttoned down, nothing goes unnoticed, nothing is missed and because they are only ‘cats’, the household isn’t wary of their presence so simple security precautions are not taken. At some point soon the intelligence gathering and associated psychological conditioning phase and the next phase will begin. The problem is who can tell what that phase is and when it will start, but looking at how cats behave, interact and cover the globe you can bet that it will be well planned and well executed World wide almost simultaneously.  These are patient, inscrutable creatures with a very, very long term plan.  As I said, their last plan fell apart about 2500 to 3000 years ago when they were on the verge of taking over the major empire of the day.  They have been regrouping and rebuilding their plan since and are only on the initial stages of their master plan for World domination.  

So what can we do about it?  Firstly don’t let a cat into your home.  If you need a pet try another creature such as a dog or a rabbit.  They have yet to develop the requisite number of brain cells to formulate a plan to dominate the World and the added bonus is that they confuse and irritate cats.  If you want something cold blooded and aloof that treat you with disdain (i.e cat like) they go for a reptile such as a bearded dragon or iguana.  At least they will keep the insect population in your house down.  To be honest a spider would have more feelings toward you and be a damn sight more empathic that a cat. 

Secondly, if you already have a cat in the house, get rid of it by any means.  If you cant then you can confuse it. Remember it is still in the intelligence gathering phase as well as attempting gentle conditioning of the household.  You can feed it false data with confusing responses to its demands and behaviour.  You can treat a cat as a cat treats you. That is to say you tolerate it and give it the comforts of home (cruelty isn’t an option as it will only precipitate a nasty response) but you can treat it with the same level of aloofness and disdain that the cat uses on its human test subjects.  This will distort test results and worry Feline High Command as it will make them think they are facing a much more intelligent and complex opponent. 

 Cats are not the fluffy, cute and benign creatures that we seem to think.  They are a cold, intelligent and calculating collective species bent of World domination.  Each has their specific role to play, that is why no two cat behaves the same, even from the same litter…. that’s due to the training and indoctrination they receive shortly after birth. This normally happens in the first 6 weeks after birth and this is why kittens are never removed from their mother in the first 6 weeks.  It’s not for the welfare of the kitten, its so they can complete at least the basic phase of their infiltration training before being assigned to their targets.

Moral of the story, cats are not our friends.  Next time you look at your cat, take a long hard look into its eyes and you will see that the fluffy feline is far more intelligent, devious and utterly single minded than you could ever imagine.  What is staring back at you is a potential future of planet Earth being dominated by fluffy feline overlords with us on our knees before them.  For some people sadly that seems to have already begun.  

Grumpy Man 

Realist and Life Weary Soul of the UK

Purveyor of Dubious Wisdom

Optimistic Pessimist

A Reveller in Grumpiness


(No cats were harmed in the writing of this blog)


  1. Profile photo of Kirsten-Everatlas
    Kirsten-Everatlas 4 years ago

    …and yet, word on the street is that Grumpy Man is well and truly under the thumb of his two little masters.

  2. Profile photo of Steven-Everatlas
    Steven-Everatlas 4 years ago

    They are all little shits, no pun intended!

  3. Profile photo of Kirsten-Everatlas
    Kirsten-Everatlas 4 years ago

    Yes, Kirk is being utterly disrespected….

  4. Profile photo of Steven-Everatlas
    Steven-Everatlas 4 years ago

    I’m not blind to the fact that cats want global domination and only see us as a source of food!

  5. Profile photo of Kirsten-Everatlas
    Kirsten-Everatlas 4 years ago

    No cats allowed on the Enterprise ….maybe we should just flee the Galaxy!

  6. Profile photo of Grumpy Man - Everatlas Author

    As I said.. cats have yet to evelove opposable thumbs ….

    As for under them… pot calling kettle my love

  7. Profile photo of Grumpy Man - Everatlas Author

    No Tribbles either

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