Whilst on one of my precious days off from the pleasures of working, Mrs Grumpy Man determined that we were in need of ‘stuff’. My ‘Dearly Beloved’ did tell me what it was, but as it was of the most mundane of nature and didn’t include gadgets, books, booze or other such fun and shiny things I barely paid attention as I headed for the car keys. Do not get me wrong dear reader, I do appreciate a good bit of retail therapy and quality time with the Commander in Chief of Home Command. I have been told that ‘for a Man’ I am rather easy to shop with and very tolerant of such things as dress and shoe shopping.
Whilst on such a retail expedition I was reminded of yet another pet grumble of mine, which is how bad some peoples parking is. Now I do understand that in this car congested world, that not every piece of parking is perfect and sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation. What I am talking about is wilfully bad parking. Now this can be due to utter selfishness and a misplaced sense of superiority (usually Audi drivers or French drivers) or utter incompetence on the part of the owner / driver. Parking offences that really irritate me are:
Parking in disabled slot when you are clearly not a blue badge holder.
This is just you being an utter selfish and lazy cockwomble. Park where you are supposed to and walk the extra ten feet you lazy fat chunk of lard. Also its an offence and I will gladly report you and watch you get clamped and fined.
Parking in a disabled slot using a blue badge and then leaping out of the car as you are clearly not disabled.
Before you scream at me that not all disabilities are visible. I am talking about fully able person abusing the blue badge of a family member. As far as I am concerned the disabled badge is for the disabled person not the car! Refer to above about being a lazy piece of lard.
Taking up more than one space.
This is a goodie as it can be for a multitude of selfish or stupid reasons. I understand that your car is precious to you as your life is so sad and materialistic that you judge yourself by the car you drive. Maybe you don’t want your penile extension damaged by Mrs Miggins bashing your car whilst she is loading her brood of slack jawed offspring into her 10 year old Toyota Previa. If that is the case, then park at the far end of the car park where most people don’t want to park (as most people are lazy and cant be arsed to walk!). Don’t dump you car as close as you can to your destination, across two slots. Again this can incur a fine! The only time I have seen this and let the owner off is when a BMW was parked beautifully across two parking slots, but he had bought two parking tickets! In my eyes he had now bought both slots for the duration and was entitled. However, this would incur the wrath of Grumpy Man in a free car park.
The other aspect is people, usually lazy or driving impaired types who just cannot be arsed to park well. They just abandon their car across several slots with the feeble excuse of ‘so what’ or ‘I will only be a minute’ or ‘I have an oversized SUV and I am a cr@p driver who shouldn’t be let out on the road in anything bigger than a Honda Jazz’. These have a special place my heart and i find it utterly amusing when they get boxed in my other irate drivers. Also, do not be surprised if a picture of your car appears on various piss poor parking websites (they exist – trust me on that)
Parking right on top of a junction.
As far as I am concerned this is just damn dangerous. There is a reason why the Highway Code states you shouldn’t park with 10m of a junction as it just gets in the damn way of anyone trying to pullout of or into the junction. Seriously you monkeys, it will cause an accident or at least some damage to your car and it will be totally your fault (and make Grumpy Man laugh at your expense). With a bit of luck you will also loose your no claims for parking like an arse.
Parking 10ft from the kerb
Seriously, its a car not an ocean liner, if you need a gangplank to get from your car to the kerb then get your arse back into your vehicle and park it closer. Your precious car is sticking out into the road and is an obstruction to the rest of us who actually give a cr@p about our cars.
Parking too damn close to other cars.
Again if you do this then you really don’t give a damn about your car or anyone else’s. This is just asking to get your car damaged by someone else manoeuvring around you or by unaware muppets dinking you with their car doors as they go about there dull and uninteresting lives (probably thinking more about Strictly Big American Pop Idol or some other miserable TV dross rather than about what they are actually doing at the time).
Basically what I am trying to say is, that like driving, parking is a great indication of what you are like as a person. If you drive and park like a selfish, dull witted and unaware drone then that is what you are like as a person. If you give a damn about the World and the people around you, then you will be a better driver and a damn sight better at parking, plus you will have the benefit of not annoying Grumpy Man
There are probably more I could mention but ‘she who must be obeyed’ is almost finished shopping and its time to move on. Moral of the story don’t park like a cockwomble. No one wants to a be a cockwomble surely… or French for that matter?
Realist and Life Weary Soul of the UK
Purveyor of Dubious Wisdom
A Reveller in GrumpinessTags: Cultural