Well here I am presently rather damn bored at work so I thought I would inflict myself upon you again dear reader. I mentioned before that I do enjoy my work, but there are also times when I am tediously bored and my mind wanders to the vagaries and mysteries of the World. One such mystery is the behaviour of people as soon as they get behind the wheel of a car.
Why is it that normal, ordinary sane human beings have such immense character changes as soon as they sit on their cars? Is it a function of driving? It it a fundamental character flaw of the individual ? Should we replace all sanity and psychological testing with a short drive during the school run or rush hour to test the mental state of all humans? Now do not think for one instant that this is about to become some random sexist rant at female drivers, that is far from the case as Mrs Grumpy Man is actually a better driver than me around town and is a much better parallel parker than I. We are the same on the open road and I am much better in country roads, especially at night but then that could be due to the fact that Mrs Grumpy Man will not admit she is a blind as the proverbial bat at night.
When driving round country lanes late at night with very little in the way of cultural lighting, Mrs Grumpy Man (who was concentrating intensely at the time ) turned to me and asked if I really wouldn’t mind acting as a co driver, rally style, and talk her through the corners as she really couldn’t see them all that well! Way to focus my mind my dearest heart! Mind you she still went for the racing line – do love that girl !
So where to begin. To be honest there are many areas about driving I could pick but lets pick a few areas that seem to be related to the type of car. It’s almost as if the machine spirit of the vehicle concerned hijacks the, rather small, cerebral cortex of the driver and causes them to act in a very specific and usually stupid way. So here we go:
Toyota Prius Mini Cab Drivers:
These guys are a combination of utter tomf@ckery. They drive around as if they have no concept of the Highway Code (which they don’t), they also meander around traffic and the roads as they really have no idea where they are going and are purely following either Sat Nav or using Waze on their phones! Also they alternate from high speed acceleration to barge into traffic and then slow down to a crawl to stretch out the one tank of petrol they have allocated themselves for all of their driving that day! It’s almost as if the green and white badge they sport in the windscreen is a new form of disabled driver badge for the utter cockwomble.
Any female driving a larger SUV on the school run or heading to lunch:
Even Mrs Grumpy Man has issue with these. Apart from the fact that all these women look as if they have come from the same cloning vat of some alien starship and then, for some bizarre tribal reason, dress as if to resemble Han Solo from Empire Strikes Back. Two rules of thumb; the bigger the SUV and the bigger the sun glasses, the more likely they are to be utterly unaware of the size of their cars and utterly unable to use reverse on their cars. When I asked one such ‘clone’ why she drove an XC90 to drive Tarquin the 500m to his over priced school, she admitted that she drove in the middle of the road to intimidate other road users as she didn’t like ‘going backwards’ and that ‘might was right’. Fracking oxygen thief…. bet she has never been in an accident but has caused several! Feel like introducing a little Hydrogen Cyanide into the air con of a few SUVs just to thin out the ‘Herd’!
Audi Drivers (A4 and bigger):
Ah an oldie but a goodie. Good old high speed tail gating Audis. I mean if you really want to stick your nose up my arse, at least buy me dinner first. As for doing it at high speed, trust me being old and ‘grumpy’ you will have to do more than that to get me to pull over (That is not a challenge, I am just saying!)
Speed limited Lorry Drivers:
Dear lorry drivers, if your behemoth is limited to 56 MPH (in some vain attempt to sound like you give a shit about the environment) do not try to overtake another lorry doing the same speed. Overtaking manoeuvres shouldn’t take 5 miles to complete you utter selfish gimps. The added bonus of such manoeuvres is that the ‘rolling road block’ of two side by side articulated lorry’s is the pure joy of having little Mrs Miggins in her Honda Jazz who only does 60 MPH on the motorway is now obliged to move all the way into the fast lane. This is foreign territory for dear old Mrs Miggins and she is now panicking as she now has angry Dave the Audi driver now tailgating her at point black range because he is an Audi driver and that is what he does. This results in Mrs Miggins being distracted, slowing down and weaving gently from side to side as she frets about how she is in imminent danger of death. All in all this creates a pointless ‘shockwave’ that travels back along the motorway / dual carriageway for miles. Got to spread the love I guess, oh and appear to save Mother Earth at the same time.
BMW i3 Drivers
These monkeys have the beautiful double benefit of misplaced smugness on environmental issues and the utter arrogance of he belief that they are better as their car is expensive. Firstly you utter cock jockeys’, its not a real BMW and you shouldn’t try to compare your hybrid toy car to a real car. Secondly, where is a lot of your electricity coming from? It’s a hybrid so you are still burning fossilised trees and dinosaurs stored in your petrol tank. As for any electricity you obtain from ‘plugging it in’ a serious amount still comes from fossil fuels. Your are moving the point of pollution from just under your arse to the nearest gas fired power station. I do appreciate we are becoming more renewable with electricity production but your utter smugness is not warranted. Thirdly, the production of your car and battery involves the rape of Mother Earth to find the rare metals that are required to make car battery’s. Let’s not even mention the ridiculous pollution produced by the container ships that transport the materials from China and Australia to the US, Europe or Japan to build your Smugmobile. (The 5 largest container ships produce more CO2 than all the cars in the World on an annual basis).You utter ignorant, hypocritical cockwombles.
Now you think there would be other ‘drivers’ that would annoy Grumpy Man such as the wider BMW driver, Jag Man and the ubiquitous ‘Scooby’ Driver. However, I can tolerate those for the most part mainly due to the fact that although they may do the occasionally stupid thing, they do so in a relatively inoffensive and positive way (i.e they just damn well get on with it and then get out of the way… they don’t f@ck about basically!) It’s the slow and stupid that normally winds me up the most, well that and the French obviously.
I could vent a hell of a lot more and I probably will. This is a general grump about some of the parlous driving that I witness on a daily basis (Grumpy Man gets to drive around 17,000 miles a year – lucky me!) and trust me I can and will be a damn sight more specific in the near future.
Realist and Life Weary Soul of the UK
Purveyor of Dubious Wisdom
A Reveller in Grumpiness
Tags: Cultural Travel Work