So now that Grumpy Man (and for that matter Mrs Grumpy Man) are back in dear old Blightly, you may ask what will I target now for my attention. Dear reader you shall not be disappointed and you will be glad to hear that I am, for the short term at least, a teensy weeny bit grumpier than normal due to a case of being so damn glad to be back to work! In a previous missive I said I rather enjoyed what I did to pay the bills and I do, however I reserve the right to suffer from a slight case of ‘holiday blues’. So to quote a TV hero of mine, Mr T from the A-Team ‘I pity the fool!’
Today’s fool is ‘White Van Man’ , the well known and beloved English Neanderthal who expresses his manhood by being a twat with a van, a moron with transit or wanker with a sprinter… I could go on as you well know. In this case it was even worse. This time is was a git in a hired white van, which adds to the problem as not only do you have the element of ‘White Van Man’ and his over developed sense of self importance but you add to the mix the utter inexperience and inability to actually drive the damn thing.
Picture the scene once more dear reader. A large popular petroleum station with multiple petrol pumps. There is a large queue of vehicles waiting to satiate their thirst for vehicular refreshment and lo and behold there is a long wheel base transit van parked so damn badly at his petrol pump he blocks not 1 or 2 pumps … not even three, but denies access to a grand total of 4 petrol pumps. You cannot use the one behind him as he is parked to far back. You cannot use the two along side him as he is too far over to even fit,let alone get out of your car if you could. As for the one alongside but on the other side of him, and this is where it get special, he is actually using it because dear reader, he has actually parked up alongside a pump that doesn’t dispense the diesel he actually needs. What sort of utter baboon acts in such a way? Maybe he was dropped on his head at birth, maybe his mummy didn’t love him or maybe daddy saw this coming and did a runner at an early age. To be honest I don’t care, he is a git!
To add insult to injury, ‘White Van Man’ was also hungry and in need of some high fat, low intelligence foodstuffs, so spent an inordinate amount of time faffing around deciding which processed snack would have the privilege of giving him a heart attack in later life. Please do take your time sir, some of us can sit around watching you. For a moment I felt a little bit like Sir David Attenborough watching chimps eating their own poo in the jungle only with rather less educational value.
I appreciate that vans do so much good for society. I mean how else would people get their online purchases that make their sad lonely lives feel a tad more worthwhile via the medium of retail therapy? Motorways would become so boring without such vans driving around as if their throttles were stuck fully open and their drivers are swapping between Tinder and porn on their phones ? We would all miss those last minute lane changes without indication, not to mention the erudite and educated sign language that is a favourite of the ‘White Van Man’ when his masculinity is challenged by a car driver with a brain cell.
A few words of advice to ‘White Van Man’. When you mount your slightly dented and often a bit rusty steed at the beginning of your day, don’t try to drive it like its a car. It’s too big, too slow and often despised by those around you. Come to think of it, the same could be said about you.
Realist and Life Weary Soul of the UK
Purveyor of Dubious Wisdom
A Reveller in GrumpinessTags: Cultural